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| Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted." The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking it in turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!" | |
| Doctor Death | |
| A lady
in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor
told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a small dial is
planted on the back of the head and can be turned to tighten up the skin
to produce the effect of a facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The
dial", had the surgery and all was well.
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these
years everything had been working just fine.", she started, "I've had to
turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But I
seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my face." She replied, "Ah, I guess that explains the goatee." | |
| Kate Moss | |
| Three Chinese men die and go to heaven. God meets them at the Pearly Gates. He tells them that they can only come in if they have led a good life. He asks the first one if he thinks he deserves to come in. He says "I think so." "Well I will set you a task," says God, and asks him to lift a large rock above his head, which he does easily. "OK, you can come in." He asks the next man the same question and sets the same task, which he does with ease. "OK, you can come in too." He sets the exact same task for the third man. The third Chinese man goes over to the rock, and cannot lift it. He tries again and again, struggling. God turns to him and says ..... "You are the weakest Chink, Goodbye." | |
| non PC plod | |
| This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, 'How much are your parrots?' The salesman answers, 'The first one is $1,000.' 'What does he know?' 'He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions.' 'How about the second one?' 'The second parrot costs $5,000.' 'What does he know?' 'He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.' 'Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering.' 'This one costs $20,000.' 'Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?' 'This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'' john smith | |
| Nickram Boo | |
| What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? The mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. | |
| Moose | |
| Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." | |
| miffy | |
| Ali G's Sister is pregnant and has a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is nolonger pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Miss, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew." | |
| Ali G | |
| An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake. | |
| May Day | |
| Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered. | |
| Father Christmas | |
| A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?" A voice answers, "A blind salesman." The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?" | |
| sister sister | |
| A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the American says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, dere's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!" .... "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"........... "No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister." | |
| bunny | |
| In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man,unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used." | |
| dot cotton | |
| Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends. | |
| big al | |
| Adam and God were walking in the garden one day. Adam asked God, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God said, "Adam, so that you would love Eve." Adam asked, "But, why did you make her so stupid?" God replied, "So that she would love you." | |
| cod squad | |
| A man goes to the doctors suffering from leg pains. The doctor lays him on a couch and takes out a little hammer. He starts tapping the mans leg starting at the thigh and working his way down but stops suddenly when he hears a little voice cry "Lend us a quid!" The doctor continues down the leg until he again hears the voice: "lend us a quid." The doctor continues to tap the rest of the leg hearing the voice one more time: "lend us a quid!" The doctor looks up smugly, turns to the patient and says: "I see whats wrong...your leg is broke in three places!" | |
| pig boy | |
| whas the difference between Jon Hutchings ears and a satelitte in space? satelittes cant be seen from earth but jons ears can be seen from space. he he he!!!! | |
| chris sumner | |
| My brother jim is ever so thin and somebody thew a tomato at him.Tomatoes don't hurt said jim with a grin this fucker did it came in a tin ! | |
| Millet Breed | |
| paddy and mick are looking for work and hear about a brilliant position going at the local building site. the both decide to apply for the position and are invited for an interview. On the morning of the interview mick opts out so of goes paddy on his own. At the interview there is a selection board and Paddy is called in. It is explained to him that it is a high powered position and requires someone who is hard working and can think quickly on there feet. Great paddy says I am the man for the job!!. ok the main spokesman of the board asks him to stand up and give a sentence incorporating the word FASCINATE in it.. paddy thinks long and hard stands up clears his throat and says...... I have got a donkey jacket and I think its fucking great ....... its got nine buttons on it but I can only fasten eight!!!!!!!!!!! | |
| SHAEMUS | |
| Keep quiet about this. http://146.101.253.19/hacked/index.htm username: bsmith password: bill99 Quickly, before the password gets changed | |
| Speed Camera Dodger | |
| A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them. | |
| miss joker | |
| A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Mum walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops." WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out!! Mum looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fucking ass it won't be Coco Pops." | |
| fred perry | |
| Knock Knock Whos There ? Driver Driver Who? Dri ver Round The Twist | |
| Pikey Mikey | |
| Irish joke - Part one Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in dingle.They head towards the bird sectionand Gerry says to Paddy,"dats dem". The owner comes over and asks if he can help them." "yeah" says Paddy "we`ll take four of dem dere budgies" the shop owner duly obliges and pops the budgies into a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry jump into the car and head toward connor pass, at the pass gerry looks at Paddy and then at the 1000 ft drop," dis`ll do fine" takes 2 birds out of the bag , puts 1 on each shoulder and leaps off the cliff!, P addy watches Gerry as he plummets to his death " feck dat, dis budgie jumping is too feckin` dangerous fer me". Part two. Moments later Seamus turns up, he`s been to the pet shop aswell and pulls a parrot out of the bag with 1 hand and picks up a shotgun with the other, walks to the edge of the cliff and leaps off. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot, Seamus continues to plummet earthward untill he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body, Paddy shakes his head and says " and I`m never trying freefall parrot shooting either" Part three. Paddy`s just getting over the shock of losing 2 friends when Sean Og appears. He`s also been to the pet shop and pulls out a chicken, Sean then hurls himself of the cliff and disappears down the cliff untill he smashes his spine on the rocks. Once more Paddy shakes his head and says"Feck that lads, first there was gerry and his budgie jumping then there was Seamus wiv his parrot shooting and now Sean Og is fecking HEN GLIDING"!!!! | |
| Big Les | |
| A blonde lady driver was driving really badly so she got pulled over by a policeman. The copper walked up to her and asked, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde woman said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't get away from the tree!" The copper looked at her and said, "Lady, it's your air freshener!" | |
| Nickram Boo | |
| Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read 'DisneyLand Left.' So they went home. | |
| blonde bird | |
| man walks into a bar... says ouch it was an iron bar | |
| julian | |
| A driver sees a cat in the road, brakes hard, can't stop in time and runs it over. Climbing down from the cab he see it laid out in a front garden rolling about in agony so he reaches back into the cab and pulls out his tire lever, jumps over the garden fence and puts the stricken cat out of its misery. He feels terrible about it but there was nothing else he could do so forgets about it until he reaches the depot when, inspecting the wagon he sees a flattened cat stuck under the front offside wheel arch... | |
| Driver B | |
| What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better hurry up and get some support here or we will both be nuts. | |
| fred | |